For Thy Sake

The day after Evelyn got her trach in, she was back to her normal self. It was so good to see her happy, and moving so much. We still couldn't hold her for she had to be on a vent for the first several days, which made any switching of body positions near impossible. But we still had fun.

Here she is giving her stuffed animal the choke hold

Though she had to lay on her back for 2-3 days, my girl still would bring her legs up to her face. She would twirl her arms around, and she blew more and more raspberries. She would let the raspberries fly and fly. Raspberries were her signiture trademark.

The nursing staff love, love Evelyn. The nurses would "fight" to see who got to take care of her. They were so good to her.

One nurse made sure to find a special blanket to put under Evelyn for she "is a Princess and Princesses just don't sleep on any old blanket".

And Evelyn rewarded them with smiles and raspberries.
We got pretty use to the hospital routine. During her nightly sponge bath, one night Evelyn managed to sleep through the entire thing. It was hilarious.

By Sunday afternoon (March 3), Evelyn was healing nicely and I asked if I could hold her. It had been two weeks since I was allowed to hold her and my arms ached for her. I was always very willing to help with the nurses when they gave her a sponge bath and changed her sheets for I was able to lift her straight up off her bed for 10 seconds. In those 10 seconds, even though I wasn't able to hold Evee near me nor just look in her eyes, I still got to hold her little body in my hands and feel her weight.
The doctor said that I could hold Evelyn but the nurse and respiratory therapist would have to help set me up. This was no easy chore for Evee was hooked up in so many places to so many things. It was like navigating through a maze to get it all in order.

When they were finally able to place Evelyn in my arms I could feel my eyes stinging and my heart filling up. It was incredible. It reminded me of the first time I held her after she was born. I had waited so long and just wanted to have her in my arms.
It was worth the wait.

I held her for several hours, which actually is not easy. Evelyn does not hold her weight very well, and her head is quite heavy, so it can be difficult. It didn't help that I couldn't change her position since she was all spider webbed on me with all of her wires.

Since December, life has had its very stressful moments. But I do remember before we were even aware that Evee's head circumference had been growing, I felt anxiety. I didn't know exactly why, but I knew that something was going to be going on with Evee. About a week later I found out that she was going to have to have surgery. As stressful as that was, I was not prepared, or expecting all of this that has happened since.

In Evee's short life she has had 6 surgeries;
1- extra finger removed
2- shunt put in
3-g-tube put in
4- surgery to repair hole in stomach and re-do g-tube and externalize the shunt
5- internalize the shunt
6- trach put in
and besides the first one, all of these have occurred since my uneasy feeling. I know that it was the Spirit of the Lord preparing me for what was to come.

It has been scary, it has been hard, but it hasn't been all that bad. There are so many people, so many parents, that have it 300 times worse than I do. Evelyn's case is very hopeful, and as weird as it may sound, she is healthy.
But through this I have learned a lot. I have learned that those petty problems that we have or worry about are just that. I don't want to waste my time and energy on things that don't affect my salvation, don't even affect my next year, nor even next week.
Though I have never been one that put a lot of weight into what people thought of me, I put even less weight into it now. But as weird as it may seem, I actually love people more. I have more compassion for them and even more understanding for them, even when someone is complaining to me about an insignificant detail in their life that they feel is huge, I have understanding and understand their concern.

 I have realized more of what really brings me joy. I realized that cleaning the kitchen does not bring me joy, so I am going to stop doing it......okay, not really. But not having my kids around me made me sad. I realized how much I enjoy having them around me. Made me realize that one of my favorite things to do is to read to my kids. I recognized that I don't care so much about stuff, but I care more about my relationships, my time.
I also realized more how much I depend on my Heavenly Father, and how much He helps me. He has given me so many blessings, yet the blessings never seem to stop. He has given me a life He knew that I would desire. He gave me wonderful children. He has given me a wonderful husband. And He not only saved my baby, but gave me strength and comfort during this time. I realized that my faith, though I may not have noticed it as much before, is strong. At times I try to play the Devil's Advocate with myself, but in the end, I just know God is there as sure as I know that 2+2=4 or that the sun will rise in the morning.
I was studying Adam and Eve and the Fall of Adam. I was very struck by the scripture when God was talking to Adam after he had partaken of the forbidden fruit. During this conversation God said that the earth would be cursed "for thy sake".  I had always assumed that God was cursing the earth as a punishment for Adam, I never realized that He was doing it for the good of Adam.
During this experience I have asked God just how much more I was expected to handle, but I never felt anger or bitterness towards Him. In fact, I have found a new favorite song, "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. I love the meaning in the song, that even during a time of trial, I will still Praise God.
But as I read the words God spoke to Adam, "for thy sake", I felt that though this experience was to help Evelyn medically, and though I will continue to have many trials, and I am no where near to being perfect, that God did this for my sake.
God could have made life easier for Adam, he could have made it so that the fruits and vegatation grew on it's own, but in God's wisdom, He did not do that. If He would have done that, He would have done it for Himself, so He would not have had to seen His child suffer, His child in pain. But God was willing to sacrifice and have His child work, to do hard things, to have trying times because God knows and understands that it is in those challenges, it is in those moments that we grow, that we develop, that we are able to become closer to God and become more like Him. He gives us challenges, He gives us weaknesses so that we can become stronger.
When we turn to God, especially during times of trial, we will become stronger.

So, my new motto is, "For Thy Sake".